moving in versus moving on
Ceremony asks for intention. I have been moving through what could be a ceremony but the intention is missing. In this case, I am moving into my first solo home in 3 years. I have been all movement, busy encouraging piles to move through the space until they eventually de-accumulate. Corners and walls have begun to emerge orderly and arranged. Productivity energy fuels me towards a moment in the future when my apartment is ‘ready for living in.’ I am not paying attention to sensations in my body. I am ignoring them, in fact. In a sense I have been sending my body the message, ‘I will return to honoring your aliveness after these things are done.’ I am at this moment eying the mound of stuff on the chair that is in need of a home. Oh how I want to get back to the task.
This process of moving-in magnifies a family vigilance. My dad has shared how he gets a dopamine rush when he completes something. So he often rushes through eating or doing the dishes in order to get to another task he can complete. In the course of those two sentences, I have noticed a stain I want to scrub and remembered an email I need to respond to. There is reward in instant response. If I get up now, interrupting this writing time, the lamp will be cleaner. I will enjoy that later, I imagine. And if I stay? If instead, I add these must-do things to a list, and breathe through? I feel things! I feel anxiety grab at my chest…
